Dedicated to all those daring people who are able to overcome themselves and haven’t lost faith in human nature to avert the gloomy days that lie ahead, regardless of much pain this book will cause to their pride and beliefs.
“Either you repeat the same conventional doctrines everybody is saying, or else you say something true, and it will sound like it’s from Neptune.”
Humankind is at it again, doing what it does best – fucking everything up.
Forty-three years ago, the United Nations, (the United Nutcases to sane people), instigated this marvellously obscene idea with severe consequences, worthy of a Nobel Prize for stupidity.
Following effective negotiations between China, Russia, UK and EU, Iran began its civilian nuclear enrichment program, exceeding the agreed caps. Then speaking at a press conference in the White House, the US President threatened Iran with military action. “From the originally agreed 3.67 per cent uranium enrichment level, Iran has now increased its capacities to 36.75 per cent, and this could mean only one thing! Iran will soon be capable of producing its first nuclear warhead, and the US shall use all means possible to prevent this from happening. My message to Tehran is clear. We are committed to making the world a safer place and … unless Iran immediately stops its uranium enrichment program… the US and its allies will!”
Within two days, the leaders of Iran, Russia and China met in the Kremlin. They issued a joint statement, warning the US to back off. Appearing at the Kremlin’s main entrance hall, the Russian President told the journalist that the US President was spreading inflammatory fake news, stating. “For Iran to develop a nuclear warhead, it needs enriched uranium of at least 90 per cent and we made sure that Iran’s enrichment capacities are well below that, which is lower than 40 per cent!”
The next day, six Chinese and fourteen Russian warships plus four nuclear submarines, one of which had the Iranian President on-board, sailed towards the Persian Gulf, prompting the US to call an urgent meeting of the UN Security Council. China and Russia declined. The President of China tweeted. “For a very long time, the big five acted as Gods, determining the fate of smaller countries without listening to their voices! The UN security council will reassemble after Iran’s voice is heard at the next UN General Assembly session in September!”
Since their anticipated UN Security Council meeting didn’t happen, the White House assembled the leaders of NATO member countries at its Headquarters in Brussels to discuss the next course of action on Iran. After intensive talks, the leaders of NATO member states could not agree on an allied military action against Iran. Besides the US, the UK and five new member states, the remaining ones refused to engage their forces in a military conflict with Iran.
Meanwhile, the Iranian President disembarked on the Iranian soil. Next on his agenda, addressing his supporters at the Azadi Square. Clenching the neck of the black microphone with his right hand, his other hand clawing at the air, his shoulders hunched forward, the Iranian President got on straight on with his speech. Standing opposite hundreds of thousands of Iranians, the President thanked its allies for defending Iran’s sovereign right to provide electricity to its citizens. He paused briefly to lift a copy of a Holy Quran above his head, setting the crowd roaring. As frenetic chants “Allahu Akhbar, Allahu Akhbar …” broke out, the President kissed the holy book, held it on his chest, above his heart, and then lifted his left index finger. “The verse Al-Qur’an 4:135 of Holy Quran says: O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even if it be against yourselves, your parents, and your relatives, or whether it is against the rich or the poor!”
Wild roars of rage ensued, much louder than the previous time, repetitively crying out. “Allahu Akhbar”. The President stretched out his left hand towards the crowd, appealing for calm. Once the religious delirium ended, he added. “I would like to appeal to the world, and in particular to the American people, to respect God’s will and rise against yet another injustice their government is about to undertake in Iran. We do not want war with the US, and I’m sure that the Americans also do not want war. Therefore, I urge them to rise against America’s imperial thirst for the liquid energy resources of other nations and-”
“Marg bar Āmrikā, Marg bar Āmrikā …” The Iranians began their traditional chant, wishing death to America.
Once again, the President appealed for calm, his voice booming through the speakers, “Please! Please! …” and once the crowd quieted down, he continued. “We don’t want death to anyone, including the American people! What we want is for the people on this planet to stand up against another violation of international laws! We hope and pray for the world to listen to our calls, stop the American aggression. The entire world should know that if America attacks Iran, their action will not go unpunished! Our retaliation will concur grave global consequences for Iran, the US, but also for the entire world! We might not be able to defeat the military of the White House, but, ” The President paused briefly and then upped his fist and shouted out. “BUT WE CAN, AND WE WILL DESTROY AMERICAN ECONOMY BY BURN-”
At this moment the entire crowd broke into a deep, hysterical chant, with intumescent pauses between the repetition of the words “Death to America!” in Iranian, complemented by the heavy stomping of their feet. Some were burning the US and ripping the printed pictures of the US President, an orgasmic ejaculation of their overwhelming hate. It sounded like a delirium, an act of self-hypnosis, drenching of their consciousness, similar to the ones experienced by Dervishes. Once the masses resumed their civilised behaviour, the President proceeded with his speech.
“My message to the world today is the following one: please help to force the US to refrain from attacking Iran and prevent another Muslim bloodshed. However, if the world no longer cares for the Muslim people, Iran has no other means to defeat our enemy, but to create an environmental catastrophe by burning the all the oil wells, Iran’s and those of the neighbouring countries that are within reach of our missiles! Over the last decade, Muslim blood was spilt over our lands because of our oil. Since the depletion of our oil is the only way to protect the Muslim people from another American occupation, then Iran will not hesitate to embark on this holy mission!”
I remember watching this scene with my father on the BBC News, while waiting for our takeaway pizzas to arrive. I was eighteen at the time and very annoyed by the Iranian President’s hoarse voice. Who knows how many cigarettes he invested to produce such an irritating voice. Listening to mad crowds chanting Save Iran, Save the World! isn’t exactly something one looks forward to hearing on a dull rainy Sunday, a day in which people are supposed to relax.
I was trying to work out if what I thought just happened has actually happened, so I asked my father.
“Is there going to be another war?”
“Don’t you have anything smarter to do than to ask me something so silly?” Dad replied with an undeterred confidence, as he faded out the voice from the TV screen nagging at his ears.
“But, this mean guy looks like he means it!”
“What do you know about people meaning what they say?” He asked with a light, reassuring smile.
“Well, for starters he was sweating and shouting like a madman, I mean this guy needs professional help.”
“Politicians nowadays follow animal laws! Just like a pack of stray dogs select the loudest and strongest as the leader of their pack, people also vote the loudest and the one that appears the fiercest! He’s just barking to win over the hearts of his people, and you shouldn’t worry much about it!” He concluded before resuming to scribble over his crossword.
However, neither the conflicting sides nor the anti-war protesters across London, Paris, and New York concurred with my Dad’s calm assessment of the Iran situation. To protect the oil wells of Saudi Arabia and Qatar from a possible attack by Iran, the US and the UK sent out 32 battleships in the Persian Gulf and stationed them along its southern coastline. Although the barking of the Iranian President burned no oil wells, it flamed up the price of oil! Everyone was rushing to buy and stock oil. Within four weeks, the value of the US$ rose by fifteen per cent! Following extensive and heated debates in Vienna, OPEC increased the oil output by thirty per cent, and US$ gradually deflated to its value before the infamous speech at the Azadi Square. Although crammed by biggest battleships on earth, the situation in the Persian Gulf remained relatively calm. Then, some Iranians, who probably watched too many Hollywood action films, attempted to kidnap the personnel of the US Embassy. They failed to complete their mission impossible, because Iran’s Republican Guard intervened, wounded five, and arrested the other nine, who later on, ended up being prosecuted for being American spies.
Another US attempt to endorse a new UN Security Council resolution on Iran failed because China and Russia again declined to attend another UN Security Council meeting. The Russian President issued a brief statement, saying. “The world leaders will soon gather at the UN General Assembly session in New York. Only after the voices of all nations are heard, we’ll meet at the UN Security Council and decide on future steps to resolve the Iran crisis. In the meantime, I urge Iran and the US to refrain from action that could threaten world peace!”
Following this statement, the verbal war drums echoing from Washington and Tehran got their well-earned break. It didn’t last long, though! Heated debates ensued at the next UN General Assembly session. Once the Iranian President tortured the mikes at the General Assembly with his hoarse voice, lamenting the end of the world as the only defensive means against the US aggression! According to him, neither the US nor the world population has done enough to demonstrate their support for Iran’s holy right to decide over its fate.
For fuck’s sake! This guy must be allergic to microphones or cameras, triggering a severe brain malfunctioning. How does this guy expect to gain the hearts of the world population, while threatening them, he will deliver apocalyptic climate disaster, if the world didn’t comply with demands? I’ve come across many morons in my lifetime, but this guy probably pushes in the top three.
Onto the next contestant for the Moron of the Year Award – the Russian President. He spoke at length about the cold war, revealing his comprehension about the crucial moment that secured the peace deal between Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev at the Reykjavík Summit in 1985, but in a rather angry tone.
“Both of them were able to put aside their egos and differences so that we could enjoy a peaceful world. The current US/Iran crisis isn’t about their nuclear capacity! No, my honourable delegates! This crisis is instigated by the world’s largest natural gas reserves, located in the Persian Gulf, which Iran refuses to trade in US$! President Nixon is responsible for the current crisis in Iran because it was he who decided to end the backing of US$ with the Federal gold reserves. To prevent deflation of its currency, the White House forced oil producers to trade their oil exclusively in US$!” At this point, the US delegation stood up and left the General Assembly Hall, followed by their counterparts from the UK and Saudi Arabia, but this didn’t seem to bother the Russian President. He resumed reading and no longer appeared upset. He was raging with anger, shouting out his words in a similar way an army major addresses his soldiers. “The White House is well aware that the world’s oil reserves will run dry in 2067, and is now keen to preserve the future value of its currency by forcing countries, such as Iran and Qatar, who have shared ownership of the world’s largest gas reserve, to trade their gas in US$ too! If the White House thinks that the Kremlin is just going to sit and watch them, as we did in Iraq or Libya and instigate a war in Iran, then this will be a costly mistake with severe and irreversible consequences. Our failure to act will destroy the Russian economy. If the US intervenes in Iran, then the Russian people will have only two options, die from hunger or die in a war? If the US makes even the slightest attempt to impede Iran’s sovereignty, then I would like to remind you that Russians are a proud nation, which would rather die in the battlefield than die from hunger! Thank you for listening to the Russian concerns!”
Holy shit, man! This isn’t funny anymore. Those slim microphones protruding out of the wooden speaking stand must be releasing some invisible fume that drives people mad! Death, war, apocalypse, ..?
Twenty or so minutes later, the US President appeared on the screen, speaking about the violations of human rights and lack of democracy in Iran. He went on ranting for two minutes before he stopped reading his notes. He removed his tinted reading glasses, revealing his sleepless eyes, dyed with red lines around his blue irises, as they contacted his audience. In an instant, his face red, so red as if somebody just sandpapered it, before addressing his audience in a furious full-blooded raging voice. “Since my Russian counterpart decided to speak openly, I now feel much obliged to do the same. The Russian President revealed to the world that in thirty years they’ll end up controlling the world’s gas reserves and consequently the world. The US will never allow this to happen! I want to be clear, and I want the world to know that if the Kremlin thinks that the White House will sit and watch them turn into the only superpower that will dominate the world, they are wrong!” He paused briefly to inhale a deep breath and then his words thundered out of long speakers fixed to the wooden walls. “THE US WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO PREVENT THE RUSSIANS IN BECOMING THE WORLD’S PHARAOHS, RULING OVER THE WORLD. AND IF A NUCLEAR WAR IS WHAT IT TAKES TO PREVENT THIS, THEN THE US WILL NOT HESITATE IN DOING SO!”
While I was contemplating on which one out of the three, the Iranian, the Russian or the US president deserves the Moron of the Year Award, my father got up from his chair, shouting with index finger pointed at the screen. “FUCKING CUNTS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! YOU ARE GOING TO FUCK-UP THE WORLD AGAIN!”
“Mind your tongue, Dad!” I protested.
“You mind your ears, son!” He replied promptly. “I’m just following my therapist’s instructions.”
My father used to be a relatively well-mannered gentleman. But after his business went bust, profound grief reigned over him that sunk him into depression. He became a plant, a spiritless being, void of laughter or anger. Then one day, his psychologist encouraged him to express himself freely, and my Dad’s vocabulary expanded significantly with vulgar expressions.
“I know what your therapist has told you, but could please express yourself using something a bit more civilised?”
“Like what, Benjamin? Scum?” Dad countered back. “No, my dear boy. Scum are the journalists of the mainstream media who know why wars happen, and although it is in their job description, they decline to inform others regarding the real reason behind them. They’re the layer of dirt over the blood that these cunts will spill!”
“Alright, Dad, I give up! Did you take your medication today?” I asked.
“Yes, I did! But that no longer matters,“ my father replied, lifting his index finger towards the screen again. “This quarrel is going to have legs, and its footsteps will tremble the world!”
“But, six months ago you said-”
“I know what I said! But, back then, I wasn’t aware that the oil will dry out so soon and that the largest gas reserves are located in the Persian Gulf. The future of the US and Russia depends on that gas resource, and these bunch of control freaks will stop at nothing to assume control over it!” My father completed his sentence and turned up the volume to listen to the President of the European Council, Ms Derikur Keshtu after she turned up on our TV screen.